Few days of Fun...

                                              Uh-Oh.....Is it too early?! Never. Ever. Never.
The girls and I went out for a fun Friday. Ate sandwiches at our favorite sandwich shop, stopped in at the cutest little shop ever!!! When this sign is hanging out front you know you are in for a treat! Then followed it up by hitting our "city pumpkin patch". I call it that because around here- there are parking lots full of pumpkins....yuck, I know....but our plan was to make pumpkin pie so we just went for the pumpkin, not the fun of a pumpkin patch.....here is a little visual tour of events. Oh and don't worry we have some of the best real pumpkin patches a man can find, they are just about an hours drive away!

PS- I bought a coffee cup AND sign for my house that matches the above. I could.not.help.myself.

I guess to make up for having it in a parking lot they put together this cute little spot for pictures- It took longer than I would like to admit to get them both to sit there at the same time.....

 

 

I just can't get enough of this outfit. London has pretty much stolen Averys pink cowgirl boots. It has only worked because poor Avery has a terrible blister on her foot from coming down a slide in a fury- she is in the flip flop only zone and allowing the theft of her boots for the week. I do think it would be wise of me to purchase another pair before her blister is gone. London has grown to love them dearly. Ugh. So cute.

 

 

Time at the park. I could just look at this picture all day.

 

 

If I could dress like them everyday I would. Sparkle shoes, oversized ruffle skirt and Olivia T-shirt that says "Friends Forever".....

Three times. She has fallen asleep on the couch three times in her life. Of course this is not including her as a tiny baby just passed out in milk comma. Once was a sweet moment when both her and London were laying on me, I was scratching their backs and before I knew it they were both asleep. The other was once when she was very sick- super sad -and then today. Park day. We were big on routine when they were babies and it turns out we were so big on routine I created kids that pretty much ONLY sleep in three places. EVER. Their bed, my bed or the car. Period. I see pictures of kids who just fall asleep while in the middle of doing whatever it is they were doing and apart of me is always a smidge jealous- I think it is the cutest thing ever. Around here, a kid sleeping on the couch is as rare as Americans agreeing on a president. It just doesn't happen. When it does it is so sweet, such a moment caught in time and I love, love it!!

 

 

 

Oh and for my favorite qoute of the weekend-

 

The girls grandpa was showing Matt a gun of his great grandfathers and London went right up to him and says "You should shoot a bear with that and make a jacket for my Mom"

 

I have the Best.Kids.Ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Liners and Never thought I would....

Mommy if you want to play with me you have to be special and kind. -London

Mommy I would like to make dinner for you. How about mash potatoes, spaghetti and candy on top?- Avery

I let London have a banana in my bed today while they watched a movie. They aren't taking naps anymore but sometimes I just need the house quuuuuiiiiiiiiiet, so that is "movie time on mommies bed" time. They wanted a snack for the movie and I normally don't let them have food on my bed but I really, really needed this quiet time....so in went the bananas. Not too much later Avery comes out and announces that London put her banana peel in the toilet but not to worry, she got it out. YAY. YUCK. WHAAAAAAT? Never thought I would find myself explaining how very important it is to keep banana peels OUT of the toilet....really, like did I really just have to explain that? Oh and did I mention there was clearly pee in the toilet? Seemed like she went potty, then dumped her banana peel behind. So Avery not only cleared out the toilet but she got a pee manicure....lovely.

I should have taken a picture of the pee soaked peel left behind on my bathroom floor but I just wasn't quick enough. Boo. Next time. Wait....please, Lord, don't let there be a next time......

Blogger of the Year award goes to.......

Not me. I haven't posted anything in a long time. The problem is that I read through my blog and realized very little of it is something I would want to follow. Gasp. My blog sits on the boarder of suck town and no thanks. It has been all over the place. Much like my mind is everyday, so it's only natural my first attempt at a blog would follow suit. I have been mulling over why I have one, what its purpose is and who would want to read it. The greater portion of my life is consumed with my little lovelies. Hence the greater portion of my mind is consumed by my little lovelies. Those two just happen to be the funniest people I know. Everyday they leave me with no words, just a head shaking back and forth with a smirk across my face. They make me laugh and amaze me at how sweet, kind and loving they are and  honestly sometimes they make me cry....in not the "oh my gosh they are going up so fast" kind of cry but more like "oh my gosh, my children are the wild savage kind with no manners, no respect and they are over taking me" kind of way. In the laughter and fun and in the crying and madness, I am thankful for it all and I try and keep a record of it all.

 I have been keeping a notebook of all the funny things, crazy things, sometimes inappropriate things they say. My thought is to keep the record on this blog instead of a notebook no one else sees but me.

Today as I was cleaning up my room I found a torn to pieces wrapper and fancy delicious coconut white chocolate beautifully hidden under a neatly folded blanket in the corner of my bedroom. I assumed my husband finished it. Not so.....the girls snuck it off a few days ago and have been rationing it off I suppose. Genius children I have. It's stuff like this that must be recorded. Must be shared. These girls are hilarious, mischievous, loving, and wild....what a better thing to share with everyone?

So let's start with today:

Yes, we go places dressed like this. London is a pirate princess and Avery is a rock n' roll cowgirl.

London needed Rock n' Roll boots.

Avery needed Cowgirl boots.

And this is the white chocolate I found in the corner of my room, under a blanket.....

All of this happened before 11am today. I think I will start saving my post until the end of the day as I am sure today will be full of more goodies from my lovely ladies AKA my cowgirl and princess pirate. If I can keep this up I just may have to re-name my blog "The adventures of Lou and Jane". I will explain the names later if it happens. For now- I hope this blog is more fun, more enjoyable and exciting to check on! 

Sisters by choice

I have three ladies in my life that are sisters by choice. Taylr, Nicole and Jaina.

Taylr is my sister by paper but ultimately my sister by choice. She was adopted into our family when she was just a baby. Our parents had a serious  talk with my older brother and I before we did this. Taylr had been living with us for 6 months at the time (she came to us at 12 days old). Our parents said "We can adopt her, you two get a say in it, do you want to adopt her?" Travis, my brother and I both said  "YES!!".  I consider her my sister by choice. We choose her. We said YES, smiled, laughed and she has been my sister by choice ever since. I have such found memories of curling her hair, dressing her up, taking her on walks....all things fun when you are the much older sister (11 yr difference). I remember rocking her when she was just a baby. I remember her eating watermelon and being the cutest thing when she was a toddler. I remember her sitting our our neighbors tractor with an attitude bigger than her little body. I remember kindergarten graduation, I was such a proud big sister. I remember being so amazed at how smart she was in school- great reader. I remember when she suddenly was taller than me! Now she is 19 and I am not sure how that happened. I still feel like I am 19. She is my sister by choice.....what a good choice we made. I am so thankful for my sister, Taylr.

Nicole is my cousin. She is a few years younger than me. I have dark hair, brown eyes and adored my older brother so much that as I was growing up I was often more dirty than cute, as I was always just trying to be Just. Like. Him. Nicole and I could not have been more opposite growing up. She with blond hair, big blue eyes, bows in her pretty hair, never dirty (that I ever saw), prissy, pretty, sassy, girls girl. Growing up neither of us liked each other. I think she thought I was a savage child who ate more dirt and worms then real food and I always thought she was a preppy, snotty girlie girl. We fell asleep more than once while fighting. I remember one night it played out like this: "Shut Up!", "You shut up!", "No, YOU shut up!", "You shut up first", "Nooooo, YOU shut up!".......and on it went until we both were whispering "No, you shut up" as we feel asleep.  Our family moved from Oregon to Washington the years Nicole and I went through Jr. High and High school. We never stayed in touch and we didn't mind! We moved back to Oregon years later and when I was ready to go to college in Portland (hours away from my parents) guess whose home I was able to stay at rent free??? You guessed it, My Uncle Brian and Aunt Shelley- also knows as- Nicole's parents. I remember having a talk with my Mom saying, I am excited to move to Portland, go to school, live with Aunt Shelley and Uncle Brian......But NICOLE.....I guess we will just keep our distance? Cut to Nicole and I realizing we are two freaking peas in a pod- couldn't be more alike, couldn't love each other more. Often annoying those around us. We are FAR more close than cousins, we are sisters by choice. I am so thankful I moved into my arch enemies house- turned out to be such a gift- I was given another sister by choice. So thankful for my sister, Nicole.

Jaina. Oh Jaina. I am not totally sure where to begin. Really, I don't know where to begin. My courser has been blinking for far too long. Late night drives over a mountain pass with old, very old deli food and coffee. Annoying fellow passengers on airplanes (multiple times), Embarrassing my Dad in public(multiple times). Stealing rocks in Idaho and realizing super cool things just from looking at a celing fan. OH MY GOSH, I HATE N.Y. CITY! Ok, maybe we do like NY, just not the one we saw. Being in a tiny little car with Roy and Jenny driving to LA. Having to take a pee break but rather than speaking up - we just look at each other like "it's been nice knowing you". Taking a van load of teenagers into the heart of L.A. when we were still teenagers- breaking my elbow proving I could kick high. Having prayer meetings in my parents shed with more power tools and gas in it than people. Taking truck loads of kids over a mountain pass for 3 days of wild....who left us in charge again?  I've got fire shot up in my bones. Maybe she is born with  it, maybe it's Mayballine. Starbucks. Portland to coast. People hate us, people love us. The list goes on and on....We were young together, learned things together, like things together, hated things together, 3 step hand wash routine in public bathrooms. Tera does none of those, how is she my friend? kidney stones, college, Cody- telling Cody to leave you alone. Oh wait Cooooooody, you looooooooove Cody. Then along comes Matt, Jude, London and Avery, Texas, Justus, trips to Oregon, trips to Texas....We have had a lot of fun, we have a lot of love, we  have experienced a lot of loss. And with it all she is more than a friend, she a sister by choice. I am so thankful, so very thankful for my sister, Jaina.

Sister by choice- I have three and life wouldn't be as sweet with out them.

If I could have a super power....

If I was able to pick any super power,  hands down,  I would pick Consistency. Yep, consistency. I consider it a super power. I am the furthest thing from it. I have the hardest time doing the same thing day in and day out. I sometimes day dream about being the type of person who wakes up at the same time everyday, gets in the shower, makes coffee, goes to work, breaks for lunch at the same time everyday, comes home at the same time everyday, eats dinner at the same time everyday- life is laid out, no surprises, same thing everyday.

Good or bad, whatever it is I am doing, I need to switch it up every so often. I believe the most successful people - not just in business but in everything- are those who do simple things consistently. With all my heart I wish I was able to do that. However, it is something that I just have never been able to do. So with this "new life of change" you can imagine I have had a few bumps in the road just trying to do the same thing everyday....like, ya know, drink lemon in my water, take a B vitamin, that sort of thing. Simple, so why so hard? Silly I know, but unless you are like me you wont understand that no matter how big or how small, incorporating something into my life that I. have. to. do. every. day. (especially if it's suppose to happen at the same time everyday like birth control, oh heaven forbid it!) is super hard! The only thing I have mastered in the world of consistency is in motherhood. I like to think I do it well, admittedly not great, but well. I am consistent in how I mother them is my point. I keep my girls on a pretty tight routine- Matt and I sort of felt we had to when they were babies for the sake of our sanity and it is something that has just stuck. With kids- consistency is something I can do. I of course have things I wish I did more consistently with them, but for the most part, this is one part of my life I can do consistently.

I know I have not posted anything on here for a long time. I wasn't as successful with my "life change" as I had hoped so I sort of walked away from all things connected to it. That's how I roll. If I am in, I am all in....but if I am out, I am all out. So you see, I stopped using oils, started eating fried chicken and oreo's and stopped blogging about it.

The good news about not being good at being consistent is that after a while I have enough of eating crappy food and being lazy and I ramp up for a good ol' fashion kick in the butt "eat right or bust" phase. And literally it's a bust if I don't. Busted pants, busted seems, busted ego.....Busted.

Someone told me about the movie "Fat, sick and nearly dead". So of course I watched it and of course I am going to try the juicing cleanse. I have my Mom and Dad in on too. Misery loves company. My parents are wanting to ramp up their health and I am doing it as a combo of vanity and a desire to change my internal drive, love, desire for all things processed, fake and harmful for my body.

I guess one thing I do consistently is that I always come back to try and live healthily.....at least I always come back! Here is to another round of health. Let's hope grace wins and I don't end up at the end of a cheeto bag again anytime soon.

Oils help but human nature is a Bi#&%!

 I have been complaining about wanting to eat everything under the sun. I haven't eaten too bad, just a lot of food (aside from the cookies I had my husband bring home- and the chips from the Mexican restaurant).  However...... Saturday I may have had a fried chicken sandwich, french fries AND cookies. Then the next day I made my way to a crawfish festival with my family. Before we left I looked at Matt and said let's follow the rule "if it's white don't bite" (no white sugar, white flower,ect) we shook hands and walked out the door. Upon arriving at the festival (starving- that's never a good idea) I may have eaten the following: fried shrimp, french fries, pulled steak hoggie sandwich, bites off of a turkey leg, candied pecans, a margarita, peach cobbler with ice cream, oh and some crawfish ........ holy crap.

I wrote up the paragraph above a few days ago and must have been so bogged down by sugar and carbs I couldn't even hit "publish"!  Wow, I had a rough weekend followed by Monday....Memorial day....which may have also included fried chicken.....are you asking yourself if I am making this up? Who could/would make a post about CHANGE and how excited I am and how I am walking away from poisoning my body....sharing it with the world, taking over and coming out victorious....only to post that for several days in a row I have been eating a steady diet of fried chicken, cookies and pretty much anything and everything that is horrible for me....WOW, this is real, eh?!

Tuesday, oh happy Tuesday was yesterday.Thank the Lord for a new day. It was a day to be proud of for sure. I think I had enough of the self sabotage,  and waking up with my fingers feeling like stuffed sausages that I put on my big girl panties (sort of had to after all the fried chicken and cookies), got my mind right and actually ate good, real, yummy food AND made my way to Krav Maga.....What??! I did a whole day of eating healthy AND I worked out? YES I DID!!!

I do believe that essential oils absolutely help, but I realized they do not override our ability and responsibility as adults and some how take over and force us make good choices. They help, they guide, they lend a hand....but they do not take over your mind and turn you into a pre-programed health machine.I guess that is what I was looking for, hoping for. I wanted the easy way out, who doesn't? However, I should remind myself that anything great is worth working for, easy come easy go, and the saying I love so much "never give up on a dream you think of everyday".....actually living healthy and balanced, not just day dreaming about it is something I think about everyday! Being a good example for my girls is something I think about everyday....so I will not give up, I will keep using my oils as a helping hand, who doesn't need a little help, right?

Here is to letting grace win.....

On the 3rd Day....

Today is a bit better than yesterdays fiasco! I have found out today that putting Endoflex on your feet in the morning help up until you meet your husband for lunch at a Mexican restaurant and they put out the chips....I guess I should try taking it with me and putting some on before eating out! I didn't eat 4 bowls of chips or anything, but I did enjoy them...a little too much. I am feeling much better in general today though- much less fueled with the desire to each EV-ERY-THING. Now that I am home I am going to slap some of that back on my feet to help ride me through the afternoon need for sweeeeeet treats. I will let ya know how that goes.

I will say- since I have been drinking lemon and grapefruit in my water (about a month) my belly has slimmed down a bit and has managed to stay there- wow, for real, no jokes. Just a fun little fact to share with ya'll! It's not like flat as a pancake, but I will take the slimmer look any day!

Day 2- Where is the freaking FOOD?!?

Wow. If my house was made out of cookies, I would eat it. Ol' Aunt Flo is visiting me this week and I am so in the mood for just FOOD, FOOD, FOOD. Ah-hem....I also have not used my endoflex oil....I used it yesterday and I didn't have any of these feelings. Hmmmm....so am I saying it works on appetite control? We will test it out again tomorrow! Are you also wondering why half way through the day I didn't slap some on my feet?  Me too. Did I ask Matt to bring me home cookies.....Maybe. I also didn't use clarity today and I have had the hardest time finishing any project! I did sort mail....and eat a lot- like all the live long day. Today was not as exciting as yesterday.

Times-a-Changin'

It's been over a month since I have posted on here and that month has been one of huge change for me and my family. It has been self inflicted, by choice, good stuff- but HARD. I have wrote and now I am re-writing this post because I have so much information to share and I don't totally know how to with out writing for DAYS.....who has time or even cares enough to read days of my rambles?!? So here is my attempt to share with you in the quickest way possible what I have changed in my life this last month:

*Replaced my medicine cabinet with Young Living Essential Oils

*Replaced my emergency medical kit with Young Living Essential Oils

*Started using Young Living Essential Oils (a select few that fit my needs/wants) everyday

*Replaced all of our hygiene products (deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, body wash ect.) with those that do NOT have PG/PEG/Propylene Glycol in them-  AKA the Devils Juice....and take a look at your stuff, it's EVERYWHERE!

*I am trying.....oh am I trying to eat only whole, organic foods- real food. Food that my body knows what to do with! Food that helps me and doesn't hurt me!

*I did a liver cleanse to clean out years of abuse and jump start my new journey. (Side note, since the cleanse I have not suffered from allergies AT ALL. I had adult on set allergies that were really bad and I haven't had a problem since! That is just one awesome side effect of the cleanse) I will post more about this later :)

This may  not seem like a huge change.....but just changing out all products in your home (from food to toothpaste to shampoo to baby products!) that has Propylene Glycol in it is HUGE. For me anyway, ha! Propylene Glycol is straight up poison that is allowed in pretty much everything available to buy- the FDA approves it because in small doses it doesn't cause  enough major health damage to be taken out of products, but when you have a little bit in EVERYTHING you use and eat that turns into a lot a bit!! It's poison and it is no longer welcome in my home! It is so hard to try and find products that do not have PG in them.....and when you do find them it's hard to find them that are not "millions of dollars" as my girls say :)  I have been able to find some that work for our budget and I will make another post on products I now use and recommend :)

Eating Whole, organic foods is another thing that is very difficult but the pay off is well worth it. I love fast food, I love dorrito's, I love oreo's, I love these things........but they are not real. Ugh. I am really working on getting my heart to join my head in this fight. I know these things are poison but there are still moments when I just don't care....I hate that. How can I not care? It's crazy. So anyway, that is my deal....I am working/fighting for a life when I crave whole foods, crave healthy options....right now I am more forcing it, haha. Don't get me wrong- I love a good healthy meal, I just also still have times when I just want some real crap fake food. I am a work in progress. Also, my gosh it is much more expensive! My post on products I now use and recommend I will be posting on how I shop, my budget and how I try and keep my cost down on the ol' grocery bill.

Essential Oils.....there is WAY too much to even post on here. I recommend, if you are interested in reading up and learning more about them that you visit www.swiftfire.org this is Sharnael Wolvertons website and it is full of good info about the oils. Basically anything you ever need to take medicine for YOUNG LIVING ESSENTIAL OILS WILL TRUMP IT! 100%.  It is a ton of information to take in- but I am so, so, so glad I made this change for me and my family! It is the best move, healthy wise, I have ever made!

What I wanted to start doing is documenting my journey with this change. I survived the liver cleanse, my medicine cabinet is finally stocked up with good oils, and I have supplements from Young Living that I have started using well. Here is what I am using on a daily basis starting today:

Daily Oils/Young Living Products:
Grapefruit and lemon in my water (I use one drop in a large non-plastic bottle I drink through out the day)

Endoflex oil- I put it on the bottom of my big toe, it is suppose to help with appetite control- which I NEED. I can eat like a teenage boy.

Clarity oil- It came free with my last order and I am pretty sure I could use some, haha...suppose to help with focus, Lord knows I need that!

Slique tea- I am going to drink it twice a day- trying to shake off my last few pounds that don't seem to budge no matter what I do!

B12 vitamins- These also came free with my last order- suppose to help with natural energy boost- I have four year old twins....we all know I need that!!!!!

Allerzymes- These I probably don't need to take but I am doing it to sort of kick the allergy thing in the butt. These supplements are suppose to help you get rid of allergies (among other awesome things), which I had mentioned I reaped the benefits of from my liver cleanse...but I guess I am gun shy and having some doubts that it will last (I still can't believe they are gone!) so I am doubling up my efforts and taking these supplements for a month or so.

Balance Complete- I am going to use this to replace my breakfast for a month, it's a protein drink meal replacement- this combined with the tea and endoflex should be a home run on shedding those stubborn pounds.

I can be so scatter brained that I thought this would be a good way to really keep track of what I am doing and what I am getting out of it! I know this is a HUGE post and I totally don't blame you if you never make it to this far in my post, but I wanted to give a little history on the changes I have made. I will post more in smaller doses on why, how, and what I am doing .....and if ever the title of this blog was appropriate, it is now!! I need grace to win!!!

RED FLAG

I have been meaning to post the reason I named this blog "let grace win" followed up with yet another "let grace be on her lips". It has been my experience that when someone declares themselves to be a certain way it usually means they are far from it.  A few examples:  "I am so selfless, always giving myself to others"- translation- I am selfish and sick of having to think of others. "I AM A GOOD PERSON!"- translation- I want people to think I am a good person but I am unaware of how my actions effect others and as long as I get what I want I don't care about anything else. "I just love being with children"- translation- I don't. At all. They ALL drive me nuts."

Now of course I am not being serious with my translations and am being just a tad extreme- but my point is I find that often when people feel the need to declare they are one way it is because their actions do not prove it on their own. Most types of self declarations are a red flag to me.

So here I am, calling "Red Flag!" on myself. Saying that grace is on my lips is me saying I am one thing while my actions are surely not proving that point. Grace, for me, is usually lacking from my lips but, thankfully, very abundant from the people I am surrounded by. I am so thankful for those who love me and continue to show me grace time and time again.

I try and approach all things from a prospective of grace. I often fail. I feel super victorious when I call someone else out on their lack of grace- ugh....sad but true. I have a long way to go before I am living in a land of grace (handing it out that is). But looking at things through the eyes of grace seems to bring such a calm to everything. Giving someone a second, third, fiftieth chance, realizing their reason may justify their actions - or even if there reason doesn't justify their actions- maybe it doesn't even matter? Looking to the issue of the heart and not the issue of the actions. Grace is deep and wide. Often lacking and equally often over abused. It's wonderful and crippling.  Rarely balanced. Beautiful.

I  hope that while I am figuring it all out (whatever that means), that grace will be something that never leaves my side....or my lips!

No Talking = More Talking

First off, yes, I did write this on St. Patricks day and yes, I did just find it.....waiting for me to hit "publish post"....Enjoy :)

Tonight as I was putting Avery to bed she was being so sweet. She was so excited about St. Patricks birthday as she calls it. She LOVED that she was able to and encouraged even to pinch those not wearing green. London was equally excited and wanted to talk about Patrick ALL day....where is he? What does he do? It's his birthday (that was their own idea), pinching people- YAY! They would mix up blue and green nearly everytime! "So we get to pinch people not wearing blue?!"

Tonight though as I was sitting next to Avery while she was tucked into bed she was just talking, talking, talking. She was so sweet it was hard to make her stop. She was filled with smiles and excitment. So cute. I finally said, "You really need to stop talking and go to sleep". She nods, "oh yeah, ok mommy."....then she takes not even 3 seconds and looks at me, very seriously and says "sooooooooo, Mommy, how was your day?". I smile, and say "good, thank you for asking. Now you really, really need to stop talking and go to sleep". She looks at me gives two really heavy sighs, looks up with her sweet blue eyes to the left like she is really trying to figure out how to stop talking and she looks at me with eyes that are hopeful to please and says "ok, I will just talk to myself". I let her do this for a while, because she is so cute I can't even handle myself. Shortly after talking to herself she looks at me again and says "so I get to pinch people who don't where blue?!"....again, so sweet, so cute, melting my heart and I am fighting the urge to just talk with her for hours and I say, "yes, baby, that is how St Patricks day works- but you really, really need to stop talking and go to bed".....she smiles and says "Ok, Mommy".....then proceeds to talk to me with no voice- just lips a movin', her eyes alive with excitement and her smile from ear to ear. I love my dear, sweet, talking Avery.

Life is Better Outside

I have never spent the day outside, breathing fresh air, soaking up sun and wished I had stayed inside in front of a TV or computer.....Life is better outside.

To Hell with the Scale....

I know I am not alone in the world of "weight worry" so I figured it would make a blog worthy topic. I actually do not know anyone who isn't weight conscious- I take that back, I have met ONE woman who was not small nor big that I truly believe was content with how she looked and I remember her telling me she did not own a scale- ever. She never had one as a child and never had one as an adult. I remember thinking she was crazy, who doesn't know how much they weigh? Who doesn't care about it? Is that even possible?! I have known how much I weighed since I can remember.

Having said that, I am sooooooooo tired of  knowing how much I weigh- always being weight conscious.  I am likely the most guilty of all in regards to being addicted to my scale. But I know so many who are addicted/obsessed with theirs as well. We can't seem to separate ourselves from this magic number. It holds this crazy power over us. Makes us feel proud of what we have done or discouraged by what we haven't.  What is that?! Who ever said a number even matters?! I'm not saying we should stop caring about being healthy and fit. But what does a number have to do with that?

 I have tried to ditch the scale before but it has found a way back in my home and in my head. For the last few months I have been trying really, really hard to get in tip top shape and shed my "last few pounds". I have been eating very healthy, working out very hard and for whatever reason the scale is sloooooooooow moving.  I got on the scale this morning it was the same number it has been for 2 weeks. What disappoints and discourages me even more than the number not moving is how upset I let it make me. I felt like I didn't do enough, work hard enough, eat well enough, try hard enough....and the scale doesn't lie. Right?!  But then I went even further and started thinking "What's wrong with me?" I have been doing so good with my eating and exercise, why isn't that enough? Isn't that how normal people get healthy? Why doesn't it work for me?  It shaped my day and made me feel like I had failed.

But shouldn't I instead be proud that I haven't given up? Shouldn't I be proud that I have made changes and stuck with them? Shouldn't I be proud of the example I am setting for my girls? Shouldn't I be proud that I can fit into smaller size cloths regardless of my number? Shouldn't I be proud that I can see muscle definition forming? Yes!! The answer is YES- I should be proud of eating good, wholesome food, I should feel good about how I have been getting into shape, I should feel proud about getting stronger! So I say TO HELL WITH THE SCALE. What good is it to me? It has nothing to do with me being healthy, neither physically or mentally. I am drawing a line in the sand and crossing over.

I will no longer be weight conscious. I will, however, forever be HEALTH CONSCIOUS.

(10 pounds of muscle added)

I know a lot of people will disagree and maybe you are a fortunate soul who doesn't care about what you weigh. I am, however, am not one of them so this is my solution. I have to note that I am a HUGE supporter of anyone wanting to get into shape, lose fat, get healthy. I am no way saying "Be happy being unhealthy" I am just saying, if you are eating healthy, exercising and taking care of your body- that is when a number really does becomes irrelevant.  Size is relevant, sure....excess body fat leads to health problems. So yes, to some degree, size is relevant (I am talking about axtra fat your body does not need, actual fat- not bone structure, body size, tall, short, petite or not...I am talking fat on top of your God given body.) Weight however, not so much.

 My hope is that eventually I will not only believe what I have posted today (I am sure it will take time to adjust to a number-less life) but I will be an example to my children, to my family, to my friends that being healthy, getting in shape, being "skinny" even has nothing to do with a number.The truth is that even as I type right now  (and the scale is sitting on my bathroom floor) I am wondering if I actually have what it takes to toss the scale....like, really, really get rid of it?? Yikes. What a thought. Such freedom though to ONLY focus on being fit, healthy and strong.... Yep.....here I go.....out with the old and in with the new. The scale officially has nothing to do with my day anymore. If you see me, don't ask how much I have lost or how much I weigh- because God willing I wont know!

I can't feel my rainbow....

One of our friends bought the girls these very cute, tiny little rainbow necklaces. Avery was wearing hers a few weeks ago. I was holding her on my lap and in a silly mood she throws her head back and sprawls out on her back laying on me giggling. Her necklace moved from on her chest to down under her chin. She reached for it and couldn't feel it. She said "I can't feel my rainbow, Mommy".


When she said those words it was like I was punched in the stomach. It was the weirdest thing that came out of no where. You know when something hits deeper than you even understand at that moment. We were just having a regular day, going about our regular business and Avery says "I can't feel my rainbow, Mommy"....and for a minute life was on pause (in my brain anyway).

 With things concerning faith, God, religion, spiritual life, I feel very limited in the things I know.  I have had many different experiences to lead me to believe certain things-  Hope for certain things. But being certain that I know anything.....that is tricky for me. I'm still very young in many aspects of life. Experience and age. So I feel like to say "I know for certain" is just something I am not comfortable with. I believe and hope for things.....but I don't know.

Before I have known my beliefs, hopes, ideas were certain. Now I am hesitant with the word "know". I am hesitant to declare that I have anything completely figured out. That I know if I do formula "A" it will bring me result "B".  I am, however, filled with hope & belief.

I believe and hope that, eventually,  all things work together for our good. I believe that if you seek God, you will find Him- whatever that may look like....I don't know.  I have hope that certain dreams I have in my heart are from God. I believe He planted them there to not only bring about His purposes but to also make me feel full. When I walk in those things, I feel a difference in my life. A noticeable difference that makes me feel, for a lack of a better word, full.

Some things I have hoped for, some of the dreams my friends and family have hoped for feel like they have been forgotten, taken away, removed, left on a shelf- or just floating in some sort of hope bubble above our hearts. It's hard to feel like the things you hope for, the things you felt were a promise to you, taken or even never given to you. It's hard to understand why. 

When Avery said those words "I can't feel my rainbow, Mommy", the last few years of my life flashed in front of me like a slide show. Matt and I have felt like promises to us were forgotten. We realized our "God formulas" do not work. We have seen our families do "everything right" and be left with empty hands that have been bruised and cracked. I have had dear friends who I hold at the highest level of admiration for the way the live their lives experience pain and heart ache beyond my own comprehension. I have seen and experienced things that have changed my mind set from "knowing" to "hoping and believing".  I hope for things I feel God has placed in my heart. I believe all things will work together for good. I still press in to find God, even if those moments with Him are not what I thought or expected them to be like/feel like. Who am I to sit down and say "Let's have a moment, God. And can you please make it feel a certain way so I can feel good about who you are and how you do things?".

The one promise I believe and hope we have that is most important to me is that when we seek Him we will find Him. He may not be what we think we are looking for or even be where we think we will find Him. But He will always be there. Like a rainbow after the rain, He will always be there. 

Avery thought her rainbow necklace would be on her chest, it wasn't, but the necklace was still on her. Moved doesn't mean gone. Change doesn't mean missing. Different doesn't mean absent. Waiting doesn't mean forgotten. Even though we can't always see or feel our rainbow, that doesn't mean it's not there.

Fried chicken, biscuits and gravy, oreos- OH MY.

Today has been a day (and it's not even noon yet) where I could eat a horse, a shoe, the moon....anything if it was dipped in gravy, chocolate or deep fried. I love eating food....real food. Not gravy or fried foods. But food that actually had a mother or was grown from the ground.  I love the way I feel when I eat fresh fruits, vegetables, meats, nuts...ect. But I do have days when I love, love, love and want, want, want me some serious amounts of fake food. The girls just started gymnastics and it is right next to Chicken Express. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have to drive by, park by, smell chicken express every Tuesday? Fried chicken, biscuits and gravy, fried pickles.....

I know better (although knowing better doesn't always help, ha!)....I like feeling healthy, not feeling greasy, not feeling weighed down by the tasty goodness of crap....so today I am trying a new soup recipe to try CURB my internal drive for nastyness. I thought I would share it with you all. It seems to have a good mix of healthyness, tastyness, and easy to make. Here is what I did- 

2 chicken breast

4 cups chicken broth

1 can diced tomatoes (I dumped it in before I realized it had "basil and garlic added) 

chopped onion

diced garlic

scallions

cilantro 

added some water

small amount of cummin

small amount of chiplotle 

salt and pepper to taste

I sauteed the onions and garlic for a bit then added the rest. I didn't shred the chicken first, I figured I would let it do that as it cooks down. I think if you have the time boiling a bone in chicken would be best....but today- with my appetite, I HAVE NO TIME. The ingredients that have no measurements are due to the fact that I did not measure them ....it's an eyeball it kinda thing. I started this at 10am and and hoping to eat it for lunch. 

I will keep you posted on the taste....smells GOOD, and REAL. WOW. I am going to top it with sliced avocado. Here is to hoping some real, good food will comfort my wondering appetite. 

Four and no more.....for now

Everyday for a very, very long time my mind has changed every 5 minutes on the idea of adding another child to our family. I couldn't imagine not having another child and I couldn't imagine actually having another one. Sleep, oh dear, sweet, lovely sleep. Can I be without you again?! That is my number one concern that really doesn't matter. I do however, have many worries, concerns, thoughts, that do matter, keeping me from peacefully, fully committing to the idea of adding another. Having identical twins be your "first born" adds a dynamic that is not the norm. If we have another girl- will she always feel left out because her older sisters have a bond she will never have or even understand? I have never spoken with a third same sex sibling of identical twins that felt as close to their siblings as the "twins are" with each other. I once read that a younger brother of identical twin sisters always felt alone in their family (even though it was healthy and loving) because he always thought of his sisters as a unit and his parents as a unit.....and then there was him, with out a unit. So even having a boy- there are concerns. The 3rd child feeling "alone"-that is the thought that weighs on me the most (I am sure most of you are thinking- this can be avoided if you are aware and prepared and you're probably right- the thought still makes me sad though).....these are my real concerns, along with 500 others....I am pretty open about talking about this....with just about anyone who will listen. I love to hear peoples thoughts and opinions- not that I actually take 90%- ish of them to heart......I wont tell you whose I keep and whose I don't....I still want to hear them all :) Good AND bad advice/support/thoughts help me weed out my own. So thank you to anyone who has given me the good and the bad.

As I type this I literally have London sitting on my shoulder- with NO pants on, tapping on my head. Avery is sitting on my other shoulder- with pants on....trying to put her feet on my keyboard. The three of us are rarely with out each other. Rarely not touching at that. I always hoped I would have children that liked to cuddle- thank you, Lord....I have two. I am a mommy sandwich most days and it's what I am most thankful for.

Just last week I got an email from a dear friend who prays for me and my family often. She is someone who is solidly in my 10% -ish of people whose advice and support I treasure. She gave me her thoughts on the matter and to be honest, I can't even remember all the words she said but ever since reading her email I have had SUCH PEACE about the matter.

After reading her email, literally since that moment, I have spent everyday intentionally focusing on the CHILDREN I DO HAVE. Not worrying (worrying may be an understatement- obsessing, stressing, putting myself on a fast track to crazy) everyday about the child/children I don't have. This has changed everything.

So for now- we are a family of four and no more. I am trusting that, if we add on, the Lord will take care of all my worries and concerns- legitimate or not. I mean, if I get pregnant again.....that means no coffee. I am not sure my body can take that sort of abuse. These are real issues I must consider :) - I have peace and feel fulfilled with the children I do have. If we don't have anymore children will I regret this choice later in life? Maybe. If I pour my life into my two, beautiful, loving, hilarious, cuddle bug, everything wonderful in this world children- teaching them, training them, spending my energy, time, emotions, and knowledge- raising them into better women than me- will I regret that? Never.

5 minutes.

5 minutes in my mind: Warm banana bread. Must resist. Laundry. Oh laundry. Quantum physics. Sound. Music. Healing. All related. Too much to grasp at the moment. Girls are napping. Thank you, Jesus. Girls are growing up. Sometimes it seems to fast and sometimes it seems just right. One more kid to the mix? Maybe just a dog? Big dog, little dog, fuzzy dog. Allergies. Sunshine. Thank you, Jesus. Have to pee, but I hate stopping something I am in the middle of. If I don't finish it now, I may never remember I was even doing it. Dinner. What's for dinner. Lunch was yummy. And health- whaaat?! True story. Phone call from an old bank notifying me they are writing me a check for the remaining balance we didn't even know was there. Thank you, Jesus. Looks like Daddy gets another tattoo for his birthday. Singing. I love it. Music- I love most of it. Warm banana bread is still there. Keep resisting. Laundry is still there. Should probably stop resisting. In all things I always hope Grace will win.

I guess I have started blogging.....