When she said those words it was like I was punched in the stomach. It was the weirdest thing that came out of no where. You know when something hits deeper than you even understand at that moment. We were just having a regular day, going about our regular business and Avery says "I can't feel my rainbow, Mommy"....and for a minute life was on pause (in my brain anyway).
With things concerning faith, God, religion, spiritual life, I feel very limited in the things I know. I have had many different experiences to lead me to believe certain things- Hope for certain things. But being certain that I know anything.....that is tricky for me. I'm still very young in many aspects of life. Experience and age. So I feel like to say "I know for certain" is just something I am not comfortable with. I believe and hope for things.....but I don't know.
Before I have known my beliefs, hopes, ideas were certain. Now I am hesitant with the word "know". I am hesitant to declare that I have anything completely figured out. That I know if I do formula "A" it will bring me result "B". I am, however, filled with hope & belief.
I believe and hope that, eventually, all things work together for our good. I believe that if you seek God, you will find Him- whatever that may look like....I don't know. I have hope that certain dreams I have in my heart are from God. I believe He planted them there to not only bring about His purposes but to also make me feel full. When I walk in those things, I feel a difference in my life. A noticeable difference that makes me feel, for a lack of a better word, full.
Some things I have hoped for, some of the dreams my friends and family have hoped for feel like they have been forgotten, taken away, removed, left on a shelf- or just floating in some sort of hope bubble above our hearts. It's hard to feel like the things you hope for, the things you felt were a promise to you, taken or even never given to you. It's hard to understand why.
When Avery said those words "I can't feel my rainbow, Mommy", the last few years of my life flashed in front of me like a slide show. Matt and I have felt like promises to us were forgotten. We realized our "God formulas" do not work. We have seen our families do "everything right" and be left with empty hands that have been bruised and cracked. I have had dear friends who I hold at the highest level of admiration for the way the live their lives experience pain and heart ache beyond my own comprehension. I have seen and experienced things that have changed my mind set from "knowing" to "hoping and believing". I hope for things I feel God has placed in my heart. I believe all things will work together for good. I still press in to find God, even if those moments with Him are not what I thought or expected them to be like/feel like. Who am I to sit down and say "Let's have a moment, God. And can you please make it feel a certain way so I can feel good about who you are and how you do things?".
The one promise I believe and hope we have that is most important to me is that when we seek Him we will find Him. He may not be what we think we are looking for or even be where we think we will find Him. But He will always be there. Like a rainbow after the rain, He will always be there.
Avery thought her rainbow necklace would be on her chest, it wasn't, but the necklace was still on her. Moved doesn't mean gone. Change doesn't mean missing. Different doesn't mean absent. Waiting doesn't mean forgotten. Even though we can't always see or feel our rainbow, that doesn't mean it's not there.
