Four and no more.....for now

Everyday for a very, very long time my mind has changed every 5 minutes on the idea of adding another child to our family. I couldn't imagine not having another child and I couldn't imagine actually having another one. Sleep, oh dear, sweet, lovely sleep. Can I be without you again?! That is my number one concern that really doesn't matter. I do however, have many worries, concerns, thoughts, that do matter, keeping me from peacefully, fully committing to the idea of adding another. Having identical twins be your "first born" adds a dynamic that is not the norm. If we have another girl- will she always feel left out because her older sisters have a bond she will never have or even understand? I have never spoken with a third same sex sibling of identical twins that felt as close to their siblings as the "twins are" with each other. I once read that a younger brother of identical twin sisters always felt alone in their family (even though it was healthy and loving) because he always thought of his sisters as a unit and his parents as a unit.....and then there was him, with out a unit. So even having a boy- there are concerns. The 3rd child feeling "alone"-that is the thought that weighs on me the most (I am sure most of you are thinking- this can be avoided if you are aware and prepared and you're probably right- the thought still makes me sad though).....these are my real concerns, along with 500 others....I am pretty open about talking about this....with just about anyone who will listen. I love to hear peoples thoughts and opinions- not that I actually take 90%- ish of them to heart......I wont tell you whose I keep and whose I don't....I still want to hear them all :) Good AND bad advice/support/thoughts help me weed out my own. So thank you to anyone who has given me the good and the bad.

As I type this I literally have London sitting on my shoulder- with NO pants on, tapping on my head. Avery is sitting on my other shoulder- with pants on....trying to put her feet on my keyboard. The three of us are rarely with out each other. Rarely not touching at that. I always hoped I would have children that liked to cuddle- thank you, Lord....I have two. I am a mommy sandwich most days and it's what I am most thankful for.

Just last week I got an email from a dear friend who prays for me and my family often. She is someone who is solidly in my 10% -ish of people whose advice and support I treasure. She gave me her thoughts on the matter and to be honest, I can't even remember all the words she said but ever since reading her email I have had SUCH PEACE about the matter.

After reading her email, literally since that moment, I have spent everyday intentionally focusing on the CHILDREN I DO HAVE. Not worrying (worrying may be an understatement- obsessing, stressing, putting myself on a fast track to crazy) everyday about the child/children I don't have. This has changed everything.

So for now- we are a family of four and no more. I am trusting that, if we add on, the Lord will take care of all my worries and concerns- legitimate or not. I mean, if I get pregnant again.....that means no coffee. I am not sure my body can take that sort of abuse. These are real issues I must consider :) - I have peace and feel fulfilled with the children I do have. If we don't have anymore children will I regret this choice later in life? Maybe. If I pour my life into my two, beautiful, loving, hilarious, cuddle bug, everything wonderful in this world children- teaching them, training them, spending my energy, time, emotions, and knowledge- raising them into better women than me- will I regret that? Never.